a classic case

"it's a tale as old as time" - people will always, always want what they cant have. I, a mere human (and at times, a despicable one at that) am not an exception to this 'classic case'. I know its there, I know its available, I know what I’m doing, I know what I’m getting my self into, I know a lot... but the one thing I don’t know is... how the fuck to get it. And even if I think I know... (Silly me) will, without fail do it in the best way possible to screw it up.

Maybe I’m just scared - scared of losing something I don’t have. I fail to see the distinguishing difference - and it does not make any sense to me for now. I’m sure it will not make any sense to you too... and don’t for one second think that the failure to acquire what you want comes without a price. Its not like "you get what you pay for, if you don’t get, you don’t pay" - hell no! Sometimes I wonder if it’s worth it. I really do. However, I don’t make lists; I don’t do pie charts, bars... whatever...

I don’t do it because it is beyond any logic I can comprehend. There is no pattern to analyze, no habits to observe (at least to me), nothing. This, my friends... at the moment, is what I call - love. It’s so fucking obvious I have no fucking idea what it really is. I may... or may not have but a little knowledge of what it could be... but as we all know (or don’t know) it’s much much larger than that. There is no single definition to describe it. And of the many we use... it’s very debatable.

Let’s analyze my train of thought for a moment here. To my knowledge... I am a MALE. Yes I dare not use the term MAN cause that could be misleading. I can safely say it comes from 3 main sources...

The Mind - it is what I use to deal with all sorts of problems logically in my life. It is more mathematical - calculating and bla bla bla... u know the drill.

The Heart - this is where I deal with many, oh many things in my life that has something to do with greed, lust desire and love. Yes love. Etc...

The Penis - inflates, deflates. It hardly gets disappointed or upset. It retaliates sometimes, and it’s the spoilt child that can and somehow confuses the 2 dominant thing-a-ma-jigs above.

Now... being human... an entity that - to my knowledge require all those tools to function (as one). No, not normally, but to function at the very least. The orders in which they appear are not at all how it functions. Being in one body, you would think that these... tools are efficient... they get along and work pretty much like a dream with each other. Fuck no it does not! Matter of fact, it gets in the way of each other... to me la at least.

Here's a simple description of how it confuses me

I call/she calls - We have coffee, we watch movies together, we hang out a lot, we share this and that - and yet I never admit what it is I feel (because I'm Macho and it will all workout in the end [some autopilot crap] - or so I think). It gets comfortable, it gets easy, some harmless ‘Hello/Goodbye kisses and hugs then BAM! Finally I know where this is headed, what that beautiful thing could finally be... you become FRIENDS! Ah! Ambik kau - terus 'Manusia Bodoh by Ada Band' becomes the song that constantly plays like a national anthem. In your head, your mp3 player, your HD TV, your PC at home or at the office for as long as you can remember. And not long after... you feel like hanging your self. I do sit down alone thinking how I could have screwed it up. How I could have misunderstood the whole stupid situation. Because I know for a fact that NO ONE would give you the time of day if it didn’t feel right. That includes my self.

Then comes the 'pemikiran yang kurang siuman di tempat dan masa yang pelik'
• How could this be? Chibet! Aku dah ada cukup kawan! cukup adik-beradik! arghhhhhh!! (And you do this in the comfort of a park table - at 5.00am)
• Did I do something wrong? Was it what I said? Maybe it’s what I didn’t say. (And you do this in the comfort of your bath tub with a shower, lying down, and drenched wet in your clothes)
• I’m expecting her call, so you stare at your stupid phone (And you do this on your bed, in your clothes, all dressed ready to go - and before you know it... it has been 2 hours, and you haven’t moved an inch)
• You start to wonder what she said before, turning every single piece of word you can remember, if it were hints or clues to this stupid mystery that’s keeping you in total darkness and depression. (And you do this in the car driving to work – and you realize this because someone gave you a reminder that GREEN LIGHT MEANS GO! YOU DUMB DAY DREAMING FUCK!)
- You read past SMS’s (And you do this every fucking night before you sleep)

Now, I wanted to describe how the mind, the heart and the penis can get in each others way. But I have failed. Because, more than half the time, I don’t know what the fuck is going on (That is why I’m in this stupid position). I’m content in my little moments of temporary happiness - to which I believe, if you ever wanted more, and you don’t get it and you don’t fight for it, is more detriment to your health physically and mentally then you can ever imagine (if it’s left alone). I never knew or never believed it was scientifically/realistically possible to feel hurt/pain just by lying down thinking about it. This could be karma. I always, without fail laugh at situations like this whenever I hear it. Yes… I’ve heard it before and No… I never believed it till recently. A painful lesson indeed.

Anyone – can easily say “Move on, this is not what you need right now in your life – it’s not worth it” TRUE! It is definitely not what I need. But what can I do when it is what I want? It’s right up there with MORE MONEY! BIGGER HOUSE! FASTER CAR! It’s worth that much to me. So again, I have wasted my time (or worse, time of the people who actually care) trying to confide or talking about it. Expressing how I feel thru some stupid blog or to friends and family that know what is going on even without talking about it. I’m sure they have a lot more to say – but they know it’s a waste of time saying what they have to. And the reason why it is such a waste of time is… no matter what I express – how dramatic and how intense it is… I am – in the end expressing it to the wrong person.

Wish I could write about some R&RF (Relaxing & Recreational Fucking!) but that’s not nearly as interesting as fucking dreams & dramas!

It’s for those who know - a simplified/shortened version of a story that began almost 15 years ago. It has not weathered. Not even a little. I have done this before, and I have failed more than I would like to remember. I really do want the outcome to be how it is right now in my head. But knowing me, there will be no conclusion to this quest... and the story/history of my life as it is... tend to repeat it self. That includes the damn cast. It sounds pretty much immature for someone about to turn 29 to have. But I’m not matured like most. I love being stubborn and little ‘bodoh sombong’. And to what ever end it brings me… It ends, hopefully.