Tuesday, July 10, 2007

...on a scale of 1 to 10 [part|one] features



-> oh this is definitely shallow of me. seriously. but then again, so are you. lets face it folks, we are not as humble and full of heart as we think we are. heh. we are vain and yes we want people to notice. openly - even at the barrel of a gun, we will never admit we are full of ourselves. but we are, quietly (some of us lah!) but indefinitely. :). it will upset us knowing our effort (all that make up, shaving, trimming, combing, gelling, plucking, scrubbing, waxing, picking, digging, pinching, brushing, stroking, cutting, surgery and etc...) is not even worth 2 seconds, maybe even 1 second... a second look worthy to the opposite sex (even when we have someone).

i came across this website that lets me judge people! purely on their ecstatics. yes purely! needless to say - it was quite exciting. (there you go - free advertising http://www.hotornot.com/).

as i was trigger happy with the polls - i got to thinking, "shit... ive rated people as low as 1". and then... i see them actually check their ratings/results. i wonder how that would make em feel? (obviously) they deserved at least an 'A' for courage ill tell you that. but thats not the point of the site at all. it was purely... unquestionably... skin deep only. (and besides - i was not the only one who was rating - there were others, so if im guilty - give me what i deserve along with the rest of the culprits). then i came to point where i asked 'should i or shouldnt i be in this limelight?'

moving along - as usual im quite sceptical about my useless thoughts. ive done enough (or so i think) in my life when it comes to personal grooming. thats true. presentation, first impressions, lasting impressions are natural instincts to someone. a passive skill you might call it. but that didnt help me muster enough courage to do it. would you? like they did? how would you rate yourself? how do you rate others? what are the criterias you look at?

as nice and exciting it is - are ecstatics enough on its own? it is obviously not. but like it or not... it is where most of us start. it is the first place you look. and its not that you actually want to begin there (god only knows) - its just more convenient. right? oh who fuck am i kidding? it is where we start. nobody ever ever say "eh look at her/his personality" [it is not impossible though, you can always hear about someone first and that on its own can be a lasting impression]
regardless - the immediate thought that follows through (depending on the level of your ego) are "i can/could/should/want/need/will/gotta' fuck that .......... it is again - convenient. after you are done admiring/pursuing/shagging the ecstatics? whats next?



here are some of the 10's - but, the rating does not just stop there now does it? one which ever the scale lands, theres still a sub-category. and that is... the sort of appeal that determines pretty much where it could head next. i cant quite explain the distinguishing characteristics... but im sure youd understand. its not difficult at all actually. as illustrated above.

so i wonder... what would you do to tip the scale to your favour? and which of the category above would you most likely fall into? is there any control of it? purely on ecstatics i mean... is there any way at all you can portray what you are really like just by your smile? your eyes?

i wonder... but then again. thats all i do. well, usually thats all i do. im different now. i suddenly find my self become more and more fascinated with my own vanity. now it is true that a face can be labelled. purely 'judging a book by its cover'. most of us are streotyped as shallow when we do such things (a cultural cliche, as some of us would put it). but come on la wei!! its not easy. im sure even the most noble, kind hearted, almost ghandi like mother theresa judge people at first glance. "ah! these men have come to take over my country - i can tell from the way they bla bla bla". (sorry, not so good with history)

lets eleborate a little (very little) from the chart above. now... the first girl (left). shes someone who has a face you would like to bone. its gorgeous and it radiates such strong sexual energy. shes obviously exotic and can quickly change without effort - to erotic. its not accurate (i know), she might be a someone whos shy, sophisticated, nerdy and probably play scrabble alot. but in the end... thats what she looks like to me... she might not do it quite the same for you. matter of fact that damn chart may even get jumbled up in your eyes. but thats the point now aint it? your imagination has already taken you so far and fast ahead - its dangerous...

regardless of your taste... on a scale of 1 to 10 - how important is it for you?

so where does it stop? when does it stop? where all your pre-judgements end? red pill - blue pill? all the deadly dirty wonders?

id say - "hello..."

Monday, July 9, 2007

simply careless

so heres something written by someone i hold in high regard "so hear me now, i've enough of these chains, i know they're of my making, no one else to blame for where i stand". is this true?. am i here now because of my own doing? if i could blame anyone, anyone at all - who would it be? but i've made it clear this far that i will not do anything i dont wanna do. and true enough, i have. no matter how good the advise is, no matter how much i know it will be good for me, if i dont wanna do it. i wont.

we all age no matter what we do. but what have i done so far proves that i have not grown up. "its so clear to me now, i've enough of these chains, life is there for the taking, what kind of fool would remain in this cheap guilded cage?". is this true?. i have been spoilt - taking everything i have for granted, and the one paying for it in the end - the cost of such comfort - is me. does it really matter? how many reasons call? what can i do about it now? here, back to the 'pride' in which i hold so dearly, so proud about - eats me from the inside. i have aged, i have gotten older - but i have not grown.

"change is a stranger you have yet to know". is this true? "change is a stranger who never seems to show". so what forces you to grow? do i have to go through life - experiencing all of bitter sweet fruits to truly understand? because right about now. im thinkin' - knowing is just not enough anymore. but how do you define 'knowing' - there are things i still have to learn, and things i refuse t learn.

"its something i just cant explain, something in me needs this pain". is this true? some of us have changed our lives, some of us still have nothing to show. how strong do you really have to be? how much must you endure? how many struggles must you survive? what will you be after tasting 'desperate'?

"time and truth does not offer you comfort - does not offer you solace - it does not offer to set you free" if this is true?... what do i have to look forward for?

Sunday, July 8, 2007

comedy in death, violence, despair and everything in between

WARNING: the footages you are about to see may contain materials unsuitable for children. so make sure you read them without an adult present. cause it would be silly to get caugt for learning something you will definitely abuse later on too early in your life. :). it could also contain spoilers. so if you're one of those ewwwww dont tell me. do not continue. you have been warned. oh! this is not a review...

i dont consider my self an expert at movies. or even claim i have good taste. the movies i watch range from, corny chick flicks and porn (for the story - ha ha?). obviously - everything else in between. i have never underestimated the power of drama and/or dramatic moments. it entertains me. actually alot of things entertain me. im so very easily pleased. however it may vary - the objective in which we spend our well earned R&R from the life drawing - social life murdering - family neglecting charade we call 'WORK', theres at least 20 minimum minutes where we get our fix from the silver screen (or in my case, the 32in Bravia TV :)~). theres very few reactions i have toward such moments and that it - makes me laugh.
however, i have come accross several (if not, at least one) individuals that find the things i find funny to be sick. forgive me. but this is not about them. this is about me.
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'Smokin' Aces' - Ben is dead, and moments later i was rolling on the floor. ive watched this movie too many times - and this part gets me. all the time. - i forgive you darling -
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'300' - now this scene - oh how i wish (yes it crossed my mind) that the spear actually tears through our 'already weird looking villain' xerxes (in the mouth none the less). the comedy in this scene for me is the fact that - my hero, had missed a once in a lifetime chance to change history. in the background im sure one or several spartans would be cursing leonidas. "Hey FUCK! you missed!". the aftermath moments later lead our heroes to an ending in which they never returned to the magic kingdom. - tragic oops -
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'Casino Royale' - quite a scene. none other than 'casino royale'. this scene is special to me. i did not come to this conclusion til after the movie had ended. wished james picked the car instead. cheaper and less hassle. nothing a 10 ringgit car wash couldnt fix eh? - ok fine, im a little off topic, the funny part is - how dramatic the car made its entrance and its wasteful exit -
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'Gladiaror' - i know im not alone in this. the part where maximus - slowly but surely, full of satisfaction (before his own life ended) drove the dagger right through... i was cheering. i even clapped in the cinema. if only i could have cheered at the top of my lung "HELL YEAH!"
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i cant quite put the pieces together on why i actually find this scene funny. its just something you'd have to see and judge on your own i guess. theres lots of pain for all the wrong reasons. obviously. titled - just friends -
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'perfume - the story of a murderer' - in case you are wondering - thats a 'man-of-the-cloth' having sex on the table. along with other noblemen. judges jury and what not. in public. on the stage. this scene takes the cake. the whole cake! it is one of the most "WTF?" scene ever filmed. it is... to me, the largest orgy scene ever. it totally ruined the film for me. this happened before the murderer was scheduled to be executed. i remembered (correct me if im wrong - and if you too had tragically accidentally watched this film) he waived a white hanky with his work of art (perfume) and suddenly... they were all fucking. and he, was not executed - but they ate him later - (wtf? yes... wtf) funny as hell though.
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'blood diamond' - 'ya ya, it occured to me ah (laughter in pain) - nuff' sed.
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'crank' - yes... this movie is an absolute horror of a film in my opinion. but i sat through it. and this scene, i dont know... its kinda... to... very... appealing. hahahaha... they were goin at it in public. now now, stop what ever you were thiking about me. before you judge me... it hasnt crossed your mind? stop! we all know thats not true. the difference is,- i said it before you did -
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'domino' - a conversation between 2 men about how god awful truth is that men get weak over women. and how he blew his own toe off just to numb the pain. i wanted to try it. i didnt have a gun.
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'mr & mrs smith' - comedy! comedy in domestic violence! that brad btw... kicking angie on the tipped over couch. brilliant!
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'hard candy' - how this pedo was trying so hard to talk his way out of being... castrated. theres twisted comedy there. it was mind blowing!
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Ok thats enough for now. on another note - i have come across people whom actually look for the morale in a movie and apply it in their daily life. ive also come across people who changed their life just by watching a movie. i, on the other hand - am not one of these people. its a movie... and it entertains me. so IF i fail to see a movie with the same point of view - or unable to comprehend the lessons it teaches me like how it has you... well... good for you smart ass! i GET OFF another way. :). dont let people tell you what to watch - and how you should enjoy your movie. if you enjoy b grade movies because it has corny action that entertains you - watch it! i find comedy in almost everything. there was even a time when i was actually funny in the cruelest and most cynical way - sometimes even downright rude. but thats changed. (now all i do is listen and laugh). however, back to my taste in comedy - am i the only one who finds the above funny? or are there more of US out there? does this make us a 'little off' in any way?

i guess, time will tell.
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Now i can bet you... if any of the above actually happened to you (or me)... its not funny at all. and im sorry if it did - but thats how it is aint it?

Tuesday, July 3, 2007

the e-suggestion box

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Saturday, June 30, 2007

a classic case

"it's a tale as old as time" - people will always, always want what they cant have. I, a mere human (and at times, a despicable one at that) am not an exception to this 'classic case'. I know its there, I know its available, I know what I’m doing, I know what I’m getting my self into, I know a lot... but the one thing I don’t know is... how the fuck to get it. And even if I think I know... (Silly me) will, without fail do it in the best way possible to screw it up.

Maybe I’m just scared - scared of losing something I don’t have. I fail to see the distinguishing difference - and it does not make any sense to me for now. I’m sure it will not make any sense to you too... and don’t for one second think that the failure to acquire what you want comes without a price. Its not like "you get what you pay for, if you don’t get, you don’t pay" - hell no! Sometimes I wonder if it’s worth it. I really do. However, I don’t make lists; I don’t do pie charts, bars... whatever...

I don’t do it because it is beyond any logic I can comprehend. There is no pattern to analyze, no habits to observe (at least to me), nothing. This, my friends... at the moment, is what I call - love. It’s so fucking obvious I have no fucking idea what it really is. I may... or may not have but a little knowledge of what it could be... but as we all know (or don’t know) it’s much much larger than that. There is no single definition to describe it. And of the many we use... it’s very debatable.

Let’s analyze my train of thought for a moment here. To my knowledge... I am a MALE. Yes I dare not use the term MAN cause that could be misleading. I can safely say it comes from 3 main sources...

The Mind - it is what I use to deal with all sorts of problems logically in my life. It is more mathematical - calculating and bla bla bla... u know the drill.

The Heart - this is where I deal with many, oh many things in my life that has something to do with greed, lust desire and love. Yes love. Etc...

The Penis - inflates, deflates. It hardly gets disappointed or upset. It retaliates sometimes, and it’s the spoilt child that can and somehow confuses the 2 dominant thing-a-ma-jigs above.

Now... being human... an entity that - to my knowledge require all those tools to function (as one). No, not normally, but to function at the very least. The orders in which they appear are not at all how it functions. Being in one body, you would think that these... tools are efficient... they get along and work pretty much like a dream with each other. Fuck no it does not! Matter of fact, it gets in the way of each other... to me la at least.

Here's a simple description of how it confuses me

I call/she calls - We have coffee, we watch movies together, we hang out a lot, we share this and that - and yet I never admit what it is I feel (because I'm Macho and it will all workout in the end [some autopilot crap] - or so I think). It gets comfortable, it gets easy, some harmless ‘Hello/Goodbye kisses and hugs then BAM! Finally I know where this is headed, what that beautiful thing could finally be... you become FRIENDS! Ah! Ambik kau - terus 'Manusia Bodoh by Ada Band' becomes the song that constantly plays like a national anthem. In your head, your mp3 player, your HD TV, your PC at home or at the office for as long as you can remember. And not long after... you feel like hanging your self. I do sit down alone thinking how I could have screwed it up. How I could have misunderstood the whole stupid situation. Because I know for a fact that NO ONE would give you the time of day if it didn’t feel right. That includes my self.

Then comes the 'pemikiran yang kurang siuman di tempat dan masa yang pelik'
• How could this be? Chibet! Aku dah ada cukup kawan! cukup adik-beradik! arghhhhhh!! (And you do this in the comfort of a park table - at 5.00am)
• Did I do something wrong? Was it what I said? Maybe it’s what I didn’t say. (And you do this in the comfort of your bath tub with a shower, lying down, and drenched wet in your clothes)
• I’m expecting her call, so you stare at your stupid phone (And you do this on your bed, in your clothes, all dressed ready to go - and before you know it... it has been 2 hours, and you haven’t moved an inch)
• You start to wonder what she said before, turning every single piece of word you can remember, if it were hints or clues to this stupid mystery that’s keeping you in total darkness and depression. (And you do this in the car driving to work – and you realize this because someone gave you a reminder that GREEN LIGHT MEANS GO! YOU DUMB DAY DREAMING FUCK!)
- You read past SMS’s (And you do this every fucking night before you sleep)

Now, I wanted to describe how the mind, the heart and the penis can get in each others way. But I have failed. Because, more than half the time, I don’t know what the fuck is going on (That is why I’m in this stupid position). I’m content in my little moments of temporary happiness - to which I believe, if you ever wanted more, and you don’t get it and you don’t fight for it, is more detriment to your health physically and mentally then you can ever imagine (if it’s left alone). I never knew or never believed it was scientifically/realistically possible to feel hurt/pain just by lying down thinking about it. This could be karma. I always, without fail laugh at situations like this whenever I hear it. Yes… I’ve heard it before and No… I never believed it till recently. A painful lesson indeed.

Anyone – can easily say “Move on, this is not what you need right now in your life – it’s not worth it” TRUE! It is definitely not what I need. But what can I do when it is what I want? It’s right up there with MORE MONEY! BIGGER HOUSE! FASTER CAR! It’s worth that much to me. So again, I have wasted my time (or worse, time of the people who actually care) trying to confide or talking about it. Expressing how I feel thru some stupid blog or to friends and family that know what is going on even without talking about it. I’m sure they have a lot more to say – but they know it’s a waste of time saying what they have to. And the reason why it is such a waste of time is… no matter what I express – how dramatic and how intense it is… I am – in the end expressing it to the wrong person.

Wish I could write about some R&RF (Relaxing & Recreational Fucking!) but that’s not nearly as interesting as fucking dreams & dramas!

It’s for those who know - a simplified/shortened version of a story that began almost 15 years ago. It has not weathered. Not even a little. I have done this before, and I have failed more than I would like to remember. I really do want the outcome to be how it is right now in my head. But knowing me, there will be no conclusion to this quest... and the story/history of my life as it is... tend to repeat it self. That includes the damn cast. It sounds pretty much immature for someone about to turn 29 to have. But I’m not matured like most. I love being stubborn and little ‘bodoh sombong’. And to what ever end it brings me… It ends, hopefully.